When the Tears Won't Stop
by geekischic
Summary: He’d never really allowed the tears to fall from his eyes. And he sure as hell hadn’t cried so hard that breathing felt impossible. Ironic, considering the reason for his tears was that she was no longer breathing. Alternate ending to TITDp2. John/Riley


**A/N: I liked the idea for the ending of Today is the Day part 2, but not the way the writers actually laid it out. I see John Connor as more of the type of person who would break down behind closed doors, by himself, rather than break down sobbing in front of other people. So, I thought I'd write an alternate ending to the episode. **

**I was never really a big John/Riley fan, but the possibilities I had with the emotions John felt for her made my muse come running back from its much too long vacation so I just had to write it. Hope you like! **

-o0o-

He shut the door to his room behind him as he walked inside, letting out a long sigh he hadn't realized he'd been holding. A suffocating presence had laid over him any time he was around Cameron or his mother, and he'd felt the need to hold himself together in front of them as long as he possibly could. He'd been taught to be a leader, to be strong and put aside his emotional turmoil as he continued to fight and lead the battle for the future. But he could only remain strong for so long.

His eyes drifted closed as he sank onto his bed, hearing the mattress groan as it always did when he sat upon it. He hadn't really paid much attention to the sound before, but now things seemed to pass by in slow motion, as if forcing him to drink in every detail that surrounded him. He opened his eyes slowly once again after taking another deep breath, trying futilely to control the flood of emotions that now filled him.

That was when he saw it. And that was when his years of self control finally slipped away. Her jacket was lying on the end of his bed. She'd forgotten it the last time she'd come over, and he hadn't found the time to return it to her.

Time. That simple little word was one that he'd hated since he was twelve years old. Since he'd had the capability of truly understanding what his life's purpose was. That his present would always be tainted by the horrors of his future. And now that word had decided to come back and slap him in the face, teasing him with the one thing he had far too much of. The one thing he wished he could have slipped into the pocket of that jacket and return to her so she could live through it, with him.

John's fingers found their way across the surface of his bed to weave their way into the fabric of Riley's long forgotten jacket. He felt the burning start in his eyes as his fingers tightened into a fist filled with the soft cotton of the jacket, and his head pounded with the weight of his screaming emotions. He almost didn't realize what was happening to him. After all, how long had it been since he'd allowed himself to cry? Now that he thought about it, he wasn't even sure if he'd _ever_ allowed himself to cry this painfully, even in the privacy of his own company. All he knew now was the fact that the tears, _his_ tears, were burning a path down his cheeks, and there was no way he could think of to stop them.

He'd never reached this point in his life before. He'd never really allowed tears to fall from his eyes so freely that he didn't even think about it. And he sure as hell hadn't cried so hard before that breathing felt nearly impossible. Ironic, considering the reason for his tears was the fact that Riley was no longer breathing, and never could again, no matter what he did.

"Oh god," He whispered to himself, the words tasting wet and salty and bitter as he laid his head down on the fabric of Riley's cold jacket. How long had it been since her skin warmed the garment he now clung to? "God, Riley, what have I done to you?"

His body shook with the tremors of his tears, control escaping his mental capabilities for the moment as he allowed his grief to wash over him completely. He hadn't let anyone know his true feelings for the blonde girl who had so quickly entered and exited his life. Not Derek. Not Cameron. And definitely not his mother. Everyone outside of the little circle they'd created for themselves was considered a threat, and John knew that if he'd told anyone how he felt about Riley that she would most definitely be removed from his life. And he knew that he wouldn't have been able to live with himself had that happened.

But was this any better? Was it any better now that his will and need to keep her in his life, his one pretense of feeling normal, had gotten her killed? Was it any better that she was now dead and gone, labeled as a nameless Jane Doe in the city morgue while John sat here crying his useless tears in the dead of the night as his heart ached to hold her for just one more moment?

He buried his nose into the neck of the jacket, breathing in the faint scent he'd come to know as Riley's in the few months they'd had together. He closed his eyes again as he pretended that she would come running through his door any minute now, teasing him for getting so worried over nothing at all. He imagined that he could take her hands in his and look deep into her bright eyes before kissing her like he'd never kissed a girl before. He imagined holding her close early in the morning, when no one but them was awake, admiring how beautiful she was as she whispered in his ear.

But he knew all of his wishes were only fantasies now. He knew that if he opened his eyes, all he would see were his tears staining the front of the jacket, the only thing he had left of her, and he wouldn't be able to help but wonder if her blood had stained her shirt in the same way the day she had died.

Had it hurt? He found himself begging, to whom, he didn't know, that Riley hadn't suffered when she had so needlessly been taken from this world. He hoped that it had been as quick and painless as possible, and that she hadn't had to watch her own blood spilling forth and staining the clothes she was wearing as the life slowly left her body.

His lip trembled and his face contorted awfully as another convulsing sob wracked his body at these thoughts, feeling the horror and disgust welling up from deep inside him at even thinking those awful things. He'd dealt with death far too many times in his seventeen years, but never had he faced the end of human life as it related to someone he so deeply cared about, and, dare he say it, loved. John wasn't really sure what love was, but what he did know was that his feelings for Riley were sure as hell the closest thing he'd ever felt to understanding the whole concept of loving another.

"I miss you." He whispered, so softly that his own ears almost missed the words. His gaze traveled out the window, where the tear stained image of a starry night met his eyes. It brought back the memories of when Riley would visit in the dead of the night, when it was so quiet that they only need to breathe their words to each other as they lay together in the silence of the night. He remembered admiring the stars with her, and how they'd create their own stories for the constellations they found nestled in the sky along with the moon.

"I miss you so much." He barely breathed the words, afraid that letting them slip from his lips would only make it all the more real. He clutched Riley's jacket close, searching for the warmth that should have been there. The warmth that should have been wrapped up in his embrace.

He closed his eyes and allowed himself to sob freely, dreaming about the things that could have been. What she could have been. What they could have been.

**-End-**

**A/N2: Not sure how much I like the ending. I actually started this months ago and just came back to it. The main reason I left it was because I couldn't figure out how to end it. But, I was doing a hard drive cleanout and thought I mine as well post it. Reviews?**


End file.
